Choke On Your Burrito

(Source: alex-lately)

The way she bit his finger? I literally (not just “literally” but Parks and Recreation Chris Traeger “literally”) felt like I needed to cross my legs.

popartinferno:

[via]

Actually make me this and have it come in this form and I will have your babies.

God, I’d just love to morph into a tiny tiny microscopic version of myself so I could fit into their pockets. Le sigh.

(via rufustfirefly)

This scene of Parks and Recreation spoke to me on so many levels. Back in High School I made up this term : “Whole Foods people” - it was basically me trying to explain modern age “urban or suburbian hippies”. They are the type of people that wear crocs and have Pantagonia cardigans or sweaters with a wolf howling at the moon on it. They’re the people who spend their time at the nuts and grains aisle and search for meatless chicken mcnuggets. They drink Kombucha like it’s going out of style (I do it too, when I can). They still smell like patchouli and insist on buying the coffee beans that come out of that ridiculously huge container with a latch on it.

I’m sure that these people are very nice but their shopping techniques have always puzzled me. How do they have that much money to shop in these high-end supermarkets? They all look as if they live in a co-op where showers are only taken when the stars align or if venus is wherever.

Only recently have I realized that the reason that they can spend this money is probably because they don’t own a TV and therefore don’t have cable and so the 150+ $$ that go into getting premium channels and ON DEMAND goes into $7 pine nuts and $12 organic EVOO. Whatever. It’s a free country. Live and let live they say. But I will still judge you for choosing flaxseed oil over The Real Housewives of New York City. That’s just me.

(via pygmygeek)

gq:

entertainmentweekly: This is my magnum opus.

Slow clap.

I am going to learn this like this is my ode to a Grecian Urn.

lizzymaxia:

fujiidom / intoyoursunlight / ameliasong:

Tom: I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert — Jean-Ralphio.
Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw somethin on you, see if it feels good?
Tom: Sure.
Jean-Ralphio: Okay, this is what I would do. I would start with a joke. Joke, joke, Vince Vaughn quote obviously.
Tom: Swingers or Crashers?
Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus. Talk about Andy’s ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause… drop the microphone, get outta that bitch. [Makes explosion noise]

I’d still **** you. Yep, I said it AND I bleeped it. What now mofoooooooos?

(I hear myself speak like Leslie Knope when I say mofo btw…you needed to know that for the context of the post)

(via abortionplexvx)

typicrobots:

Okay. Fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. That’s what happened. End of story. I let my emotions get the best of me. I just cared too much, I guess. I was thinking with my lady parts. I was walking and I felt something icky. I thought there was going to be chocolate. I don’t even remember! I’m wearing a new bra, and it closes in the front, so it popped open and it threw me off. All I want to do is have babies! Are you single? I’m just like, going through a thing right now. I guess my life isn’t complete and I just want to shoot someone! This would not happen if I had a penis! What? Bitches be crazy. I’m good at tolerating pain, I’m bad at math, and… I’m stupid. (img src)

OK wow, I forgot how accurate this was. Oh Leslie, we’re all one and the same, huh?

(via bohemea)

demova:

(fuckyeahtvpicspam: sleepyjean)

CREDIT CARD REP: We noticed abnormal activity in your credit card so we just need you to confirm or deny some of the recent purchases.
LESLIE: Okay. Thank you.
CREDIT CARD REP: $20 to Netflix?
LESLIE: Yup.
CREDIT CARD REP: $20 to Blockbuster online.
TOM: Both?
LESLIE: I needed all 11 discs of Gossip Girl at the same time.
CREDIT CARD REP: $120 in tuition to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
LESLIE: They give you a little wand and a diploma. It’s fun.
TOM: What’d you major in?
LESLIE: Potions. You know, I’m gonna take you off speaker phone. Go ahead.
CREDIT CARD REP: Jessica Simpson clip-in hair extensions.
LESLIE: Okay, um, I wore those once. It was a money back guarantee but I forgot to return them.
CREDIT CARD REP: Man pillow that’s shaped like a man.
TOM: Oh God.
CREDIT CARD REP: Also something called “bucket of cake.”
LESLIE: Yeah… you know what, I think someone definitely stole my credit card so why don’t you just cancel it.

Parks and Recreation 2.06 - “Kaboom”

(Source: poundgrape)